I Have The Gift Of Laughter. I

When I Do An Hour-and-a-half Show, If I Don't Improvise 20 Minutes Worth Of New Material Each Night, I Feel I've Let Myself Down.

My Wife Said To Me, "i Want To Be Cremated." I Said, "how About Tuesday?"

You Want To Know What Makes Me Tick, I'll Tell You What Makes Me Tick. I Was A Boy Growing Up In Brooklyn; I Read A Two-penny Magazine Called 'the Hawk's Nest.' Nobody Entered That Nest That Didn't Leave A Little Richer And A Little Wiser. And That 11-year-old Boy Said, 'isn't That A Wonderful Thing.' And That's All There Is To It.

Once When I Was Golfing In Georgia, I Hooked The Ball Into The Swamp. I Went In After It And Found An Alligator Wearing A Shirt With A Picture Of A Little Golfer On It.

There Have Always Been Mixed Emotions About Howard Cosell: Some People Hate Him Like Poison; And Other People Just Hate Him Regular.