I Had A Very Funny Family.

If God Wanted Women To Be Treated Equally To Men, He'd Have Given Them Penises.

I Was Stuck In Traffic One Day And Just Kinda Thought It Would Be Funny To Masturbate. It Was Sunny And Clear Out, So I Was Worried One Of The Other Drivers Would See Me, But My Jeep Is Pretty High Off The Ground, So I Think No One Noticed. I Busted A Nut And Aimed It Down, Ruining My Tweety Bird Floor Mat. I Felt Kinda Stupid After And My Mom Kept Silent The Rest Of The Drive Home. It Was Awkward And I Regret It.

It Used To Be That You Came Out Of School, And You Got Married - Those Who Were Going To Get Married. But My Peers Are Getting Married In Their Early 30s, So Now There's Like This Extra 10 Years Of That Angst.

Is 'garden State' The Next 'citizen Kane'? Of Course Not. I'd Like To Think We Aimed A Little Higher Than That, Frankly.

Yeah, I Saw The Guy Running Out Of The Building Carrying A Rifle, I Just Didn't Say Anything To The Cops Because I Was So Happy That I Wasn't The One Who Got Shot.