I Got My Hair Highlighted Because I

People On The 14th Floor, You Know What Floor You’re Really On.

I Got A Business Card Because I Wanna Win Some Lunches. That's What My Business Card Says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme A Call, Maybe We'll Have Lunch. If I'm Lucky!

I Saw A Lady On Tv, She Was Born Without Arms. That's Sad, But Then They Said, "lola Does Not Know The Meaning Of The Word 'can't'." That, To Me, Is Even Worse In A Way. Not Only Is She Missing Arms, But She Doesn't Understand Simple Contractions. It's Easy, Lola - You Just Take Two Words, Put Them Together, Take Out The Middle Letters, Put In A Comma, And You Raise It Up!

I Was Going To Stay Overnight At My Friend's House - He Said, "you'll Have To Sleep On The Floor." Damn Gravity! You Don't Know How Bad I Wanted To Sleep On The Wall.

If You Boat A Lot, You're Known As A Boating Enthusiast. I Like To Boat, But I Just Don't Want To Ever Be Referred To As A 'boating Enthusiast'. I Hope They Call Me 'a Guy Who Likes To Boat'.