Wearing A Turtleneck Is Like Being Strangled

I Don't Know How To Fix A Car. If The Car Breaks Down, And The Gas Tank Does Not Say "e", I'm Screwed. But If The Gas Tank Says "e", I Get All Cocky - "i've Got This One, Don't Worry." So I Get Out The Toolbox Aka Wallet.

Snake Eyes Is A Gambling Term, And An Animal Term, Too.

I Was In A Convenience Store, Reading A Magazine. The Clerk Told Me, "this Is Not A Library!" "ok! I Will Talk Louder, Then!"

What Am I Drinking? Nyquil On The Rocks, For When You're Feeling Sick But Sociable.

Pepperidge Farm Bread. That's Fancy Bread. You Can Tell It's Fancy Because It's Wrapped Twice. You Open It, And It Still Isn't Open. That's Why I Don't Buy It. I Don't Need Another Step Between Me And Toast.