I Figure If The Kids Are Alive

My Husband Says, 'god, Roseanne, I Can't Remember The Last Time We Had Sex.' Well, I Can, And That Is Why We Ain't Doing It.

There Isn't A Problem On This Earth That A Doughnut Cannot Make Better.

Half The World's Starving; The Other Half Is Trying To Lose Weight.

I Always Was A Writer, But Then I Wanted To Do Stand-up Because I Thought That Was A Way That I Could Perform What I Wrote.

Self-esteem Is The Goddamn Root Of All Evil.