I Don't Want To Wake Up With

I Try To Retire Jokes As Soon As I Can Once I Put Them On An Album. But I Can't Think Of Anything I Just Stopped Doing For No Reason.

I'm A Realist All The Way. I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist. But I've Lived Too Much Of A Charmed Life So Far To Ever Be A Pessimist.

My Ultimate Goal Is To Do Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want To Do It. And That Keeps Changing. I Didn't Want To Host My Own Show Until I Wrote For Someone Else's.

My Girlfriend Has The Greatest Story As To Why She Isn't Religious Anymore. When She Was A Kid, Like 12 Years Old, Her Parents Nailed A 25 Pound Crucifix To The Wall Right Above Her Bed. About Two Weeks Later, In The Middle Of The Night, The Crucifix Falls Off The Wall And Leaves A Two Inch Gash In The Back Of Her Dad's Head.

I Had Written For Jimmy Kimmel And Sarah Silverman In The Past. Jimmy Had A Different Voice, And Different Priorities. He Couldnt Be The Bad Guy In The Joke; He Couldnt Upset People, Really.