I Didn't Become A Comedian To Work

I Don't Know What It Is About Accents That Makes Me Want To Get Undressed And High-five Myself.

Thanksgiving Is Coming. I Wonder What The Holiday Will Be Like At Dog The Bounty Hunter’s House—obviously, They’ll Have A Turkey With All-white Meat.

I Met My First Midget In Mexico, And He Was A Waiter With A Sombrero On His Head, Filled With Chips And Salsa. Like I Was Gonna Let That Guy Get Away - I Don't Think So.

Next To Fat Babies, Midgets Are My Favorite Things To Hold. I Love Them So Much, And I Want To Help Them To Do Adult Things Like Drive Cars, Jet-ski, And Lip-synch. I’m In Awe Of Their Little Limbs, Their Large Craniums, And Their Medicine-ball Asses. I Love The Little Baby Steps They Take While Shifting Their Weight From Side To Side, And The Fact That When You Knock One Over Accidentally, He Flails Like A Turtle On Its Back That Can’t Get Up Right Away.

First Of All, Who Cares If People Hate You? There's Always A Guarantee That Certain People Will Dislike You. There's Never Any Guarantee That Anyone Will Like You. So If Anyone Likes You At All, You've Already Won.