I Did Stand-up Comedy For Seventeen Years.

Dear Semi Hot Girl Taking Photos On A Boat. It's Not Your Boat So Stop Acting Like You Own It. You Drive A Used Civic.

You Know Your Gut Instincts Are Spot On About A Person When You Can Also Detect A Water Source In The Soil Beneath Them.

I Could Take My Time, And Nobody Was Pressuring Me To Be A Headliner. I Could Go Up There, Find My Voice, And Figure Out What I Wanted To Do.

I'm Quitting The Business Today. I'm Going To Open Up An Appliance Store, I've Always Really Been Into Toasters. I'm Giving It All Up.

If You Have To Be At Work At 8, It's Always Like, 7:54. Just Enough Time To Do Nothing. To Just Lay There And Go, "i Can't Do Anything! I Can't Even Have An English Muffin!