I Can Drink Like A Fish, Or

I Loved Stephen Wright, And I Loved Mitch Hedberg, But They Seemed Like Geniuses You Could Never Emulate. You'd Just Be Ripping Them Off.

My Girlfriend Asked Me If I Only Love Her For Her Body. I Said No, Baby. Just Parts Of It.

My Ultimate Goal Is To Do Whatever I Want, Whenever I Want To Do It. And That Keeps Changing. I Didn't Want To Host My Own Show Until I Wrote For Someone Else's.

I Know Her In The Biblical Senseand When I Say That, I Mean I Don't Believe A Word She Says.

You Don't Know Anything About Pain Until You've Seen Your Own Baby Drowned In A Tub... And You Definitely Don't Know Anything About How To Wash A Baby.