Having Children Is Fab. They Keep Me

If You're A Fat Person - And Especially If You're A Woman - At All Stages Of Your Life You'll Get Abuse For It, So You Have To Work Out A Way Of Dealing With It. The Best Way Is To Be Humorous About It - That Defuses Any Tension.

I Often Tell Audiences At The Start Of My Shows That I'm Not Gay Because I've Got Petitions From Lesbian Groups Saying 'can You Tell People You're Heterosexual Because You're Giving Us A Bad Name.'

An Overweight Guy Went To The Doctor Who Advised Him To Try A Keep Fit Dvd. But The Guy Said He Couldn't Be Bothered. “well” Suggested The Doctor, “try Something That Leaves You A Little Short Of Breath.” So The Buy Took Up Smoking.

I Never Think, 'where Am I Going To Be In A Year's Time?' That Seems To Be A Sure Way Of Missing The Fact That You Might Be Quite Happy Now.

I Took My Husband To The Hospital Yesterday To Have 17 Stitches Out - That'll Teach Him To Buy Me A Sewing Kit For My Birthday.