God, That Anthony Jeselnik Show Sounds Really

My Girlfriend Is Upset About Her New Haircut. I Don't Understand Why She's Crying. I'm The One Who Has To Get A New Girlfriend.

We Just Found Out My Little Brother Has A Peanut Allergy, Which Is Very Serious I Know. But Still I Feel Like My Parents Are Totally Overreacting - They Caught Me Eating A Tiny Little Bag Of Airline Peanuts And They Kicked Me Out Of His Funeral.

I'm A Realist All The Way. I'm Too Cynical To Be An Optimist. But I've Lived Too Much Of A Charmed Life So Far To Ever Be A Pessimist.

I Like Seeing What The Comedian Thinks Is Funny, Not Just What They Think I'll Think Is Funny.

I Prefer To Sleep With Deaf Girls. Those Crazy Chicks Never Have A Safe Word.