Glitter Is The Herpes Of Craft Supplies.

I Can Always Tell How Stupid Someone Is By How Certain They Are About What They're Saying.

I Am A Ceiling Fan, Especially During Rain.

I Bought A Clock, But The Big Hand Broke Off Of It... So I Just Added "ish" To Every Number.

The Chances Of Someone Who Looks Like Jesus Having Pot Raises Steadily, To A Point. If The Guy Is On A Cross You May Have The Wrong Guy.

For Me And Most Of My Friends Who Are Comedians, If You've Been Doing Comedy For A While, Your Tolerance For Things Actually Moves. I Find It Very Hard To Be Shocked, And When Other People Aggressively Take Offense To Something, I'm Sometimes Confused.