For As Long As I Can Remember,

My Most Important Professional Accomplishment To Date Is The Ability To Keep Working With Absolutely No Skills Whatsoever.

I Think The Challenge Is Going Out In Front Of A Paying Audience With Absolutely Nothing And Trying To Entertain Them For Two Hours. Thankfully, I Only Think About That Right Before We Go On, And Then Once We're Out There, Everything's Fine.

My Mother On Her Death Bed Told Me, 'where The Hell Did That Kangaroo Come From!?' - It Just Popped Out Of Nowhere And Punched Her In The Head And Caused A Cerebral Hemorrhage, So I Thought I'd Move To A Country Where There Were No Kangaroos!

Nine Out Of Ten Americans Believe That Out Of Ten People, One Person Will Always Disagree With The Other Nine!

You Know, If I Don't Make It When I Go Out There In That Weather Balloon Into That Thunder Storm. I Want, You To Take Your Ear And Give It To My Wife.