Father's Day Makes Me Wish I Could

Disasters Are Funny To Me. As A Comedian You Learn From Failure, So I'm Always Trying To Put Myself In A Situation That Does Not Seem Ideal For My Comedy And See How It Works.

My Sister Is Going To Have A Simple Wedding. Just Immediate Family. And Whoever The Hell Would Want To Marry Her.

When I Was Little, I Would Burn Ants With A Magnifying Glass. But Now That I'm Older, I'm More Of A Cat Guy.

I Don't Have A Type, Really. But I've Always Been More Attracted To Girls Who Yell Fire.

My Girlfriend Loves To Eat Chocolate. She's Always Eating Chocolate. And She Likes To Joke She's Got A Chocolate Addiction. You Know, She'd Be Like Keep Me Away From Those Chocolate Bars, I'm Addicted To Them. And It's Really Annoying. So One Day I Put Her In The Car And I Drove Her Downtown And I Pointed Out A Crack Addict. And I Said You See That Honey? Why Can't You Be That Skinny?