Did You Ever Look At Your Watch,

I've Begun Worshipping The Sun For A Number Of Reasons. First Of All, Unlike Some Other Gods I Could Mention, I Can See The Sun. It's There For Me Every Day. And The Things It Brings Me Are Quite Apparent All The Time: Heat, Light, Food, And A Lovely Day. There's No Mystery, No One Asks For Money, I Don't Have To Dress Up, And There's No Boring Pageantry. And Interestingly Enough, I Have Found That The Prayers I Offer To The Sun And The Prayers I Formerly Offered To "god" Are All Answered At About The Same 50% Rate.

I Remember When I Was A Kid I Used To Come Home From Sunday School And My Mother Would Get Drunk And Try To Make Pancakes

At A Formal Dinner Party, The Person Nearest Death Should Always Be Seated Closest To The Bathroom.

When People Asked Me, "do You Get High To Go Onstage?" I Could Never Understand The Question. I Mean, I'd Been High Since Eight That Morning.

Leftovers Make You Feel Good Twice. First, When You Put It Away, You Feel Thrifty And Intelligent: 'i'm Saving Food!' Then A Month Later When Blue Hair Is Growing Out Of The Ham, And You Throw It Away, You Feel Really Intelligent: 'i'm Saving My Life!'