Charles Darwin Got Totally Hammered, Woke Up

It's Time For Me To Give Out An Award To Newly Elected Majority Leader John Boehner. Mr. Boehner Was Elected Just A Few Days Ago To Reform House Republicans, Who Are Feeling The Heat From Lobbyist Scandals. Well, Cnn Found Out That He Rents His Two-bedroom Apartment From A Lobbyist Who Had Clients Who Had Interests In Legislation That Boehner Sponsored. And For That, Mr. Boehner, You've Just Won A Pair Of Stephen Colbert's Big Brass Balls.

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be For Self-drying Pants. Wait -- No! Unlimited Wishes! How Do I Return These Stupid Pants?!

Even The Weather Page Is In A State Of Moral Decay. What?s Wrong With Red, White And Blue, Usa Today? This Rainbow Weather Map Is Just Another Example Of The Homometerological Agenda.

I Hadn't Intended To End Up There. I Meant To Be A Serious Actor With A Beard Who Wore A Lot Of Black And Wanted To Share His Misery With You.

Summer Movie Idea: Take All The Sequels That Are Out Right Now, And Make Movies About Their Backstories.