At The Upcoming Grammy Awards, Jennifer Lopez

In A Study, Scientists Report That Drinking Beer Can Be Good For The Liver. I'm Sorry, Did I Say 'scientists'? I Meant Irish People.

There's A Drunk Midget In My House Ah, Babies! They're More Than Just Adorable Little Creatures On Whom You Can Blame Your Farts. Like Most People Who Have Had One Baby, I Am An Expert On Everythiing And Will Tell You, Unsolicited, How To Raise Your Kid!

Even When I Was At 'snl,' I Didn't Do Impersonations. I Always Wanted To Be The Kind Of Person Who Could Do Them - I Always Thought They Were The Coolest Thing On The Show - But I Didn't Have Any Experience.

Don't Be Too Precious Or Attached To Anything You Write. Let Things Be Malleable. For Sketch Writers, Remember They're Called Sketches For A Reason. They're Not Called Oil Paintings. Some Of Them Are Going To Stink. You Have To Let Them Stink.

At The Request Of The Catholic Church, A Three-day Sex Orgy To Be Held Near Rio De Janeiro Was Cancelled Last Friday. So Instead I Spent The Weekend Cleaning My Apartment.