At Christmas Time We Couldn't Afford Tinsel,

I Tell Ya, I Was An Ugly Kid. I Was So Ugly That My Dad Kept The Kid's Picture That Came With The Wallet He Bought.

I Came From A Real Tough Neighborhood. I Put My Hand In Some Cement And Felt Another Hand.

If I Could Have Dinner With Anyone Who Lived In History, It Would Depend On The Restaurant.

I Started Over Again With An Image: Nothing Goes Right. Then When The Godfather Came Out, All I Heard Was, Show Respect. With Me, You Show Respect. So I Changed The Image To I Don't Get No Respect. I Tried It Out In Greenwich Village. I Remember The First Joke I Told: Even As A Kid, I'd Play Hide And Seek And The Other Kids Wouldn't Even Look For Me. The People Laughed. After The Show, They Started Saying To Me, Me, Too - I Don't Get No Respect. I Figured, Let's Try It Again.

I Had Plenty Of Pimples As A Kid. One Day I Fell Asleep In The Library. When I Woke Up, A Blind Man Was Reading My Face.