All I've Ever Done Is Try To

My Father Once Told Me, And It's Stuck With Me To This Day: As You Walk Through Life, Every Time You Fart It Pushes You Forward.

The Comedy Store - All Three Rooms Were Filled With 800 People In The Room. And During That Time, All These Guys And Some Women, But Mostly Guys Who Weren't Funny Were Doing Stand Up For A Living; They Weren't Accountants, They Were Making $30-$50 Grand A Year On The Road, Or More.

What Do You Do If You're In The Car And Your Girlfriend Touches Your Crotch Then Asks You To Remind Her To Get Kitchen Scissors?

If You Don't Wake Up Every Day Happy, Change Something.

I Can't Do Negative, Needy, Or Narcissistic Anymore. Oh Wait, I Can Still Do The Last One, Aw Nuts.