Alcohol Is Like Photoshop For Real Life

Members Of The Senate And House, If They Want To Send Troops Into War, Should Be Forced To Send A Family Member. That Would Really Make Everyone Stop And Go, 'ohhh-kaaay.'

I've Always Wanted To Sail Around The World In A Handmade Boat. And I Built A Boat. I Had A Boat Built For Me, I Mean, And My Second Day Out To Sea I Realized That (a) I'm Not A Sailor, And (b) I Have No Knowledge Of Basic Navigation.

In The Fourth Grade, I Learned How To Fake Walking Into A Door. You Know, You Hit It With Your Hand And Snap Your Head Back. The Girls Loved It.

What’s The Point Of Being Bad When There’s Nothing Good To Stop You?

I Always Just Forced Myself To Do Crazy Things In Public. In College I Would Push An Overhead Projector Across Campus With My Pants Just Low Enough To Show My Butt. Then My Friend Would Incite The Crowd To Be Like, 'look At That Idiot!' That's How I Got Over Being Shy.