Acting Is My True Love. I Would

The People Voting For The Oscars Are So Old. I Haven't Seen One Academy Award Voter With A Tampon In Her Purse.

Before We Make Love My Husband Takes A Pain Killer. I Blame My Mother For My Poor Sex Life. All She Told Me Was, 'the Man Goes On Top And The Woman Underneath'. For Three Years My Husband And I Slept On Bunk Beds. I'm A Double Bagger. Not Only Does My Husband Put A Bag Over My Face When We're Making Love, But He Also Puts A Bag Over His Head In Case Mine Falls Off. It's So Long Since I've Had Sex, I've Forgotten Who Ties Up Whom. My Best Birth Control Now Is To Leave The Lights On.

I Finally Found Out How Priests Get Holy Water. They Boil The Hell Out Of It.

I Have No Sex Appeal And It Has Screwed Me Up For Life; My Gynecologist Examines Me By Telephone.

Don't Tell Your Kids You Had An Easy Birth Or They Won't Respect You. For Years I Used To Wake Up My Daughter And Say, 'melissa You Ripped Me To Shreds. Now Go Back To Sleep.'.