A Sleeping Bag Is A Tortilla For

As A Comedian, You Have To Start The Show Strong And You Have To End The Show Strong. Those Are The Two Key Elements. You Can't Be Like Pancakes. You're All Happy At First, But Then By The End, You're Sick Of 'em.

I Sometimes Close My Eyes During A Show Because I Have Drawn A Picture Of An Audience Enjoying The Show More On The Back Of My Eyelids.

Comedy Clubs Have Brick Walls Behind The Performer. Bricks Make You Funny. When I'm In Front Of A Fireplace, I'm Hilarious.

If I Was A Mechanic And Someone Called Me And Said Their Car Would Not Start, I Would Say, "hey - Maybe A Killer Is After You!"

I Don't Need A Receipt For A Doughnut. I'll Just Give You The Money, And You Give Me The Doughnut. End Of Transaction! We Don't Need To Bring Ink And Paper Into This! I Can't Imagine A Scenario Where I'd Have To Prove That I Bought A Doughnut. Some Skeptical Friend...'don't Even Act Like I Didn't Buy That Doughnut! I've Got The Documentation Right Here! Oh, Wait, It's Back Home, In The File. Under D...for Doughnut.'