A Fart Is Just Your Arse Applauding.

I Don't Like The Beach. I Think We Have No Business At The Beach At All, As A Species. We Don't Belong In The Sea. The Sea Is Full Of Things That Bite Us, Sting Us, Hurt The Soles Of Our Feet, And It's Extremely Cold. When Are We Gonna Take The Hint That The Things That Live In The Sea Don't Like Us?

I Always Look Skint. When I Buy A Big Issue, People Take It Out Of My Hand And Give Me A Pound.

If I Had A Hammer, There'd Be No More Folksingers.

I've Never Done A Comedy Club In My Life. It's Weird Because I Don't Have The Same Background As Most Comics. I Don't Have A History Of Going Up And Only Doing Eight Minutes.

I Used To Be A Folk Singer, But I Was... Dreadful. I Had A Voice Like A Goose Farting In The Fog.