A Comedian Sees The World Bent. I'm

I've Had A Few Arguments With People, But I Never Carry A Grudge. You Know Why? While You're Carrying A Grudge, They're Out Dancing.

My Wife Said To Me, "i Want To Be Cremated." I Said, "how About Tuesday?"

When I Do An Hour-and-a-half Show, If I Don't Improvise 20 Minutes Worth Of New Material Each Night, I Feel I've Let Myself Down.

You Want To Know What Makes Me Tick, I'll Tell You What Makes Me Tick. I Was A Boy Growing Up In Brooklyn; I Read A Two-penny Magazine Called 'the Hawk's Nest.' Nobody Entered That Nest That Didn't Leave A Little Richer And A Little Wiser. And That 11-year-old Boy Said, 'isn't That A Wonderful Thing.' And That's All There Is To It.

Ya Know, If You Treat Every Comic The Way You Treated Me Tonight, You Would Never See A Bad Show.