A Comedian Sees The World Bent. I'm

When I Do An Hour-and-a-half Show, If I Don't Improvise 20 Minutes Worth Of New Material Each Night, I Feel I've Let Myself Down.

I've Had A Few Arguments With People, But I Never Carry A Grudge. You Know Why? While You're Carrying A Grudge, They're Out Dancing.

If It's Dirty, It's Not Funny, But If It's Funny, It's Not Dirty.

I Have The Gift Of Laughter. I Can Make People Laugh At Will. In Good Times And In Bad. And That I Don't Question. It Was A Gift From God.

My Wife Said To Me, "i Want To Be Cremated." I Said, "how About Tuesday?"