You're Not Supposed To Have It All

See For Me, It’s Immediate. Silence Is So Freaking Loud.' This Seemed Either Deep Or Deeply Oxymoronic. I Wasn’t Sure Which.

The First Thing I Did When I Got Inside Was Turn On The Kitchen Light. Then I Moved To The Table, Putting My Dad's Ipod On The Speaker Dock, And A Bob Dylan Song Came On, The Notes Familiar. I Went Into The Living Room, Hitting The Switch There, Then Down The Hallway To My Room, Where I Did The Same. It Was Amazing What A Little Noise And Brightness Could Do To A House And A Life, How Much The Smallest Bit Of Each Could Change Everything. After All These Years Of Just Passing Through, I Was Beginning To Finally Feel At Home.

I Find That The More I Depend On Real Life, The Less Interesting The Story Is. It's Much More Common For Me To Take Something That Almost-happened, Or I Wish Had Happened, And Then Follow That Possibility.

Because You Can Never Go From Going Out To Being Friends, Just Like That. It's A Lie. It's Just Something That People Say They'll Do To Take The Permanence Out Of A Breakup. And Someone Always Takes It To Mean More Than It Does, And Then Is Hurt Even More When, Inevitably, Said ‘friendly' Relationship Is Still A Major Step Down From The Previous Relationship, And It's Like Breaking Up All Over Again. But Messier.

Once, This Had Been The Life I’d Wanted. Even Chosen. Now, Though, I Couldn’t Believe That There Had Been A Time When This Kind Of Monotony And Silence, This Most Narrow Of Existences, Had Been Preferable. Then Again, Once, I’d Never Known Anything Else.