You Know, We Do A Lot Of

I Want To Thank Some Very Special People Without Whom I Would Not Be Here Today. George Bush, Sarah Palin And The Pope. When I Came To Hollywood In 1983, I Had One Dream. To Sleep With Jodie Foster. That Didn't Work Out, But This Is Nice, Too.

New Rule: The Rest Of The World Can Go Back To Being Completely Jealous Of America. Our Majority White Country Just Freely Elected A Black President, Something No Other Democracy Has Ever Done. Take That Canada! Where's Your Nubian Warrior President? Your Head Of State Is A Boring White Dude Named Steven Harper, And Mine Is A Kick-ass Black Ninja Named Barack Hussein Obama!

Tiger Woods Apologized To The Three Women In America He Never Got Around To Sleeping With.

Republicans Are Always Saying We Should Privatize Things Like Schools, Prisons, Social Security - Hey, How About We Privatize Privacy! Because If The Government Forbids Gay Men From Tying The Knot, What Is Their Alternative? They Can`t All Marry Liza Minnelli.

President Obama Invited John Mccain To The White House To Give His Opinion On Egypt, Specifically What It's Like To Be A Mummy.