When I Had My Comedy Central Roast,

Random Roles? Oh, I Saw Virginia Madsen Do This The Other Day! You See? I'm Paying Attention!

I Have A Lot Of Great Memories, But I Can't Imagine Anything More Exciting Than The Life I Have Now.

Be Funny Whenever Possible, Even If Some People Don't Get It.

Show Me Someone Who Doesn't Have Some Sort Of Experience That They Would Be Uncomfortable For People To Know About And I'll Show You A Dullard.

In No Way Would I Ever Assume When I Meet Some Girl That She Wants To Sleep With Me; That Doesn't Enter My Mind. I Think Somebody Who Did Assume That Would Be Such An Insufferably Arrogant Person That You Couldn't Be Around Him.