We Were At Another Funeral Party. I

The Madness Is There, And Will Always Be There. But It Will Keep Sleeping, As Long As I Don't Wake It Up.

I Don't Think People Realize, When They're Just Getting Started On An Eating Disorder Or Even When They're In The Grip Of One, That It Is Not Something That You Just "get Over." For The Vast Majority Of Eating-disordered People, It Is Something That Will Haunt You For The Rest Of Your Life. You May Change Your Behavior, Change Your Beliefs About Yourself And Your Body, Give Up That Particular Way Of Coping In The World. You May Learn, As I Have, That You Would Rather Be A Human Than A Human's Thin Shell. You May Get Well. But You Never Forget.

Somewhere In The Back Of My Brain There Exists This Certainty: The Body Is No More Than A Costume, And Can Be Changed At Will. That The Changing Of Bodies, Like Costumes, Would Make Me Into A Different Character, A Character Who Might, Finally, Be Alright.

All Of Us Carry Around Countless Bags Of Dusty Old Knickknacks Dated From Childhood: Collected Resentments, Long List Of Wounds Of Greater Or Lesser Significance, Glorified Memories, Absolute Certainties That Later Turn Out To Be Wrong. Humans Are Emotional Pack Rats. These Bags Define Us.

But New Love Only Lasts So Long, And Then You Crash Back Into The Real People You Are, And From As High As We Were, It's A Very Long Fall, And We Hit The Ground With A Thud.