Today Is April 1, April Fools' Day,

How Many Watched The President's Speech Last Night? [half-hearted Audience Applause] How Many Watched American Idol ? [thundering Applause] Okay, There You Go! You Get The Government You Deserve.

At A Press Conference Yesterday Nasa Announced That 2005 Was The Hottest Year On Record. It Is So Hot, And Global Warming Is So Bad, If The Presidential Election Were Held Today, Al Gore Would Still Lose.

Gray Davis Got Some Good News This Week: The Clintons Are Out Here In California Campaigning For Him. Actually, Hillary Is Campaigning For Davis, Bill Is Out Here For Larry Flynt.

Clinton's Pet Labrador, Buddy, Is Getting Neutered. The Dog Will Never Have Sex Again. Overnight, They've Turned Buddy From A Democrat Into A Republican.

Arnold Schwarzenegger Announced That He Is Going To Run For Governor On Our Program Last Night. My Staff Didn't Know, Arnold's Staff Didn't Know, I Was Shocked As Everyone Else. If He Doesn't Get Elected Governor, Maybe He Should Work For The Cia. I Mean, He Can Keep A Secret Better Than They Can.