To Those People Who Say, 'my Father

The Food Is Out Of This World!

If You Have A Few Hundred Followers And You Let Some Of Them Molest Children, They Call You A Cult Leader. If You Have A Billion, They Call You Pope.

I Want To Just Take A Moment To Thank The Teabaggers. Thank You So Much For Helping Us Pass Health Care, For Resurrecting The Obama Presidency. I Know They're Saying, 'why Are You Thanking Me? I Was So Against It, I Marched On Washington With Tea Bags Hanging Off My Founding Fathers Costume, With A Gun On My Hip And A Picture Of Obama Dressed As Hitler, Screaming About His Birth Certificate.' And America Saw That And Said, 'i Think I'll Go With The Calm Black Man.'

There Are Only Three Ways A Congressman Goes Out: They Die In Office, They Cash In As A Lobbyist, Or They Mistakenly Tweet A Picture Of Their D*ck.

People Say To Me All The Time, "i Get My News From Your Show." And That Isn't The Way They Should Get Their News. But The Choice Is Not Between Getting Their News The Right Way And Getting Their News From My Show. The Choice Is That They Won't Get Any At All Unless You Give It To Them In An Entertaining Package.