They Always Give You Three Ketchup Packets.

I'm A Weirdo That Goes On Stage To Make Strangers Laugh, But If I Wasn't Working, I Would Just Want To Be With My Wife And Kids. I Don't Even Think I'd Want To Go Out To Dinner.

If You're A Guy Over 30 By Yourself In The Hotel Pool, You Automatically Look Like A Murderer Who's Just Relaxing After He Strangled A Family. "yeah-that Dad Was A Tough One To Kill."

I've Been Doing Stand-up For So Long, I Think 19 Years, That I Love Topics I Can Also Expand On. Once I Identify A Topic Like, Say, Seafood, Which Is A Big One Right Now, It's Like There Are Different Kinds Of Tangents I Can Go On To Build A Larger Chunk.

There Is The Vegetarian Hot Pocket For Those Of Us Who Don't Want To Eat Meat, But Would Still Like Diarrhea.

If Only Opening A Vitamin Water Could Be Classified As Working Out.