The More I Suffer, The More I

I Certainly Know German Colleagues In The Us Who Try To Be Americans, Try To Melt Into Americanism, Even Before They Get Married And Become American Citizens. But I've Never Tried That.

I Can't Say I'm Thankful About Being German Because I Sometimes Experience It As A Huge Burden. But It Is An Integral Part Of Me And I Wouldn't Want To Escape It. I Have Accepted It.

Sometimes I Had The Feeling That All Of Us In His Family Were Like Pets To Him. The Dog You Take For A Walk, The Cat You Play With And That Curls Up In Your Lap, Purring, To Be Stroked - You Can Be Fond Of Them, You Can Even Need Them To A Certain Extent, And Nonetheless The Whole Thing - Buying Pet Food, Cleaning Up The Cat Box, And Trips To The Vet - Is Really Too Much. Your Life Is Elsewhere.

It Is Hard For Me To Imagine That I Felt Good About Behaving Like That. I Also Remember That The Smallest Gesture Of Affection Would Bring A Lump To My Throat, Whether It Was Directed At Me Or At Someone Else. Sometimes All It Took Was A Scene In A Movie. This Juxtaposition Of Callousness And Extreme Sensitivity Seemed Suspicious Even To Me.

I Know That Disavowal Is An Unusal Form Of Betrayal. From The Outside It Is Impossible To Tell If You Are Disowning Someone Or Simply Exercising Discretion, Being Considerate, Avoiding Embarrassments And Sources Of Irritation. But You, Who Are Doing The Disowning, You Know What You're Doing. And Disavowal Pulls The Underpinnings Away From A Relationship Just As Surely As Other More Flamboyant Types Of Betrayal.