The Labors Of The True Critic Are

Now The Pessimist Proper Is The Most Modest Of Men. ... Under No Circumstances Does He Presume To Imagine That He, A Mere Unit Of Pain, Can In Any Degree Change Or Soften The Remorseless Words Of Fate.

If A Man Be Discreet Enough To Take To Hard Drinking In His Youth, Before His General Emptiness Is Ascertained, His Friends Invariably Credit Him With A Host Of Shining Qualities Which, We Are Given To Understand, Lie Balked And Frustrated By His One Unfortunate Weakness.

A Kitten Is The Most Irresistible Comedian In The World. Its Wide-open Eyes Gleam With Wonder And Mirth. It Darts Madly At Nothing At All, And Then, As Though Suddenly Checked In The Pursuit, Prances Sideways On Its Hind Legs With Ridiculous Agility And Zeal.

Our Dogs Will Love And Admire The Meanest Of Us, And Feed Our Colossal Vanity With Their Uncritical Homage.

America Has Invested Her Religion As Well As Her Morality In Sound Income-paying Securities. She Has Adopted The Unassailable Position Of A Nation Blessed Because It Deserves To Be Blessed; And Her Sons, Whatever Other Theologies They May Affect Or Disregard, Subscribe Unreservedly To This National Creed.