The Facts Of Life Are Very Stubborn

People Ask Me What Makes A Good Funeral, And I Tell Them The Most Important Thing Is Your Man In The Casket. If You Have A Man Of Substance In There, You Have The Makings Of A First-class Funeral.

I Have Read A Great Deal About What Animals Dream, But None Of It Has Ever Really Satisfied Me. I Believe They Dream Exactly The Way We Dream, And About Everything In Their Lives--that They Have Good Dreams And Bad Dreams In Almost Direct Proportion, As We Do, To Whether Their Lives Have Been More Good Than Bad. Unfortunately, Because The Majority Of Animals Have It So Much Tougher Than We Do, I Believe That The Majority Of Dreams, Except In The Most Fortunate Petdom, Are Bad.

I Detest Professional Anythings But Particularly Professional Writers. Most Of Them Today Are Just Garbage Collectors.

I've Always Had A Sneaking Fondness For Martin Van Buren. He Wrote His Autobiography, You Know, And Never Once Mentioned His Wife. Now That's What I Call A Mans Man.

In My Day The Schools Taught Two Things, Love Of Country And Penmanship-now They Don't Teach Either.