The Best Things In Life Aren't Things.

Americans Are Just Beginning To Regard Food The Way The French Always Have. Dinner Is Not What You Do In The Evening Before Something Else. Dinner Is The Evening.

It Was A Dangerous Profession I Had Chosen ... Because No One Likes A Funny Kid. In Fact, Adults Are Scared Silly Of Them And Tend To Warn Children Who Act Out That They Are Going To Wind Up In Prison Or Worse. It Is Only When You Grow Up That They Pay You Vast Sums Of Money To Make Them Laugh.

I Like Champagne Because It Always Tastes As Though My Foot's Asleep.

This Is Not An Easy Time For Humorists Because The Government Is Far Funnier Than We Are.

I Became A Hero To Everyone Because I Didn't Take Dialysis And Was Still Alive.