That Woman In The Shampoo Commercial -

I Think The Hard Thing About This Job [stand-up] I Mean, I Think This Part Is Great But That The Traveling Is Y'know, 'cause 'cause I'm Gone A Lot From Home And This Time I'm Out For Three-and-a-half Weeks Without Going Home, And That's Hard, To Be Gone Three-and-a-half Weeks 'cause Then I Have To Ask My Friends, "would You Mind Going To The House And Watering The Plants, And Turn Some Lights On And Make It Look Like Somebody's Home, And Make Sure That The Mobile Over The Crib Isn't Tangled Or The Baby's Gonna Get Bored.

You Say You're Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me? I've Got News For You: I'm Sick And Tired Of Hearing About Me.

I'm Glad I'm Funny. I'm Glad I Make People Happy, Because That's Very Important. But I'm Proud To Be Known As A Kind Person.

It Always Helps To Think About Other People Instead Of Ourselves.

I Know That Every Time I List Something That I Am, I Am Potentially Alienating A Whole Group Of People. Publicists And Managers Will Encourage You Not To Say What Political Party You Belong To, What You Eat, What You Don't Eat, Who You Sleep With And All That Stuff.