Stand-up Comedy Is A Raunchy Profession.

Why Would Anyone Get Married And Have Babies? That's The Dumbest Idea I've Ever Heard In My Life. Or The Scariest Thing I've Ever Heard In My Life.

You've Got To Be Pretty Confident That You're Good. If I Do A Show And For Whatever Reason No One Laughs, I'll Be Like, 'wow, Those People Are Weird'.

If Thou Canst Walk On Water, Thou Art No Better Than A Straw. If Thou Canst Fly In The Air, Thou Art No Better Than A Fly. Conquer Thy Heart That Thou Mayest Become Somebody.

Zerts' Are What I Call Desserts. 'trée-trées' Are Entrées. I Call Sandwiches 'sammies,' 'sandoozles,' Or 'adam Sandlers.' Air Conditioners Are 'cool Blasterz' With A 'z' - I Don't Know Where That Came From. I Call Cakes 'big Ol' Cookies.' I Call Noodles 'long-ass Rice.' Fried Chicken Is 'fry-fry Chicky-chick.' Chicken Parm Is 'chicky-chicky-parm-parm.' Chicken Cacciatore? 'chicky-cacc.' I Call Eggs 'pre-birds,' Or 'future Birds.' Root Beer Is 'super Water.' Tortillas Are 'bean Blankets.' And I Call Forks 'food Rakes.'

Aren't You Scared Your Kid's Getting Kidnapped...right Now?