Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God.

Recycling And Speed Limits Are Bullshit. They're Like Someone Who Quits Smoking On His Deathbed.

Everyone Thinks Their Whole Life Should Be At Least As Much Fun As Masturbation.

A Good Story Should Change The Way You See The World.

Don't Write About Your Most Emotionally Charged Moment As A Learning Thing.

My First Time I Jacked Off, I Thought I'd Invented It. I Looked Down At My Sloppy Handful Of Junk And Thought, This Is Going To Make Me Rich.