Somewhere In The Back Of My Brain

• This Seems Impossible To Me. It Seems Biologically Impossible To Stay The Same Size, Although I Must. It Seems One Must Always Be Either Bigger Or Smaller Than They Were At Some Arbitrary Point In Time To Which All Things Are Compared. The Panties That Are Possibly Tighter Than They Were. When? You Can't Say When. But You Are Absolutely Positive No Question That It's True.

• Eating Disorders Are Addictions. You Become Addicted To A Number Of Their Effects. The Two Most Basic And Important: The Pure Adrenaline That Kicks In When You're Starving—you're High As A Kite, Sleepless, Full Of A Frenetic, Unstable Energy—and The Heightened Intensity Of Experience That Eating Disorders Initially Induce. At First, Everything Tastes And Smells Intense, Tactile Experience Is Intense, Your Own Drive And Energy Themselves Are Intense And Focused. Your Sense Of Power Is Very, Very Intense. You Are Not Aware, However, That You Are Quickly Becoming Addicted.

I Have A Type Of Bipolar That Swings Up And Down All Day Long. There Are Significant Mood Swings Within A Day, Within A Week, Within A Month. I Go Through At Least Four Major Episodes A Year. That's Really The Definition Of Bipolar Rapid Cycle. But I Have Ultra-rapid, So I Have Tiny Little Episodes All Day Long.

It Is Not A Sudden Leap From Sick To Well. It Is A Slow, Strange Meander From Sick To Mostly Well. The Misconception That Eating Disorders Are A Medical Disease In The Traditional Sense Is Not Helpful Here. There Is No 'cure'. A Pill Will Not Fix It, Though It May Help. Ditto Therapy, Ditto Food, Ditto Endless Support From Family And Friends. You Fix It Yourself. It Is The Hardest Thing That I Have Ever Done, And I Found Myself Stronger For Doing It. Much Stronger.

I'm A Driven Perfectionist, Very Self-critical.