Sometimes Wrong Is Worth The Funny!

I Like Those Older Theaters - The Acoustics Are Perfect, I Mean, You Just Have That Feel Of There's Been A Thousand Shows In There And Now You Get To Be One.

I Have Been A Big Guy All My Life, I Am Not Going To Lose A Bunch Of Weight, Because Then You're Like That Weird Fat Person That Got Skinny But Still Has A Big Head. I Don't Want To Do That. So I'm Just Trying.

You Start Realizing That Maybe You're The One Night A Month That People Have Out, And They Don't Need To Hear Your Political Views Or How Dark You Can Get. They Just Want To Laugh For An Hour And Go Home. Once I Wrapped My Head Around That, My Act Evolved Accordingly.

You Need A Wisecracking Buddy Standing Next To You? That's The Role For Me. You Got The Guys Who Are Knock-down, Drag-out Handsome. That's What People Want To See. Let That Guy Be The Hero. But There's Always A Role For The Everyman.

I've Been Trying To Watch My Weight A Bit, But When I Come To Las Vegas, All Bets Are Off. I Get Enough Healthy Food In L.a. Where The Food Is The Size Of A Quarter And Costs $40 - When I'm In Vegas, I Want A Steak!