President Bush Has Unveiled His First Campaign

There Is A Nationwide Shortage Of Drugs For Attention Deficit Disorder. The Fda Says They're Not Sure How It Happened. I Guess Somebody Wasn't Paying Attention.

The Longest-serving Republican Senator, Alaska's Ted Stevens, Found Guilty Just A Few Hours Ago On All Charges In His Corruption Trial. Do You Know This Story? He Failed To Report He Had Some Work Done On His House. Yeah, Here's The Bad Part. You Know Who Did The Work? Joe The Plumber. Unlicensed.

The Games Haven't Even Started Yet And Already There Are People Complaining About The Horrible Accommodations At The Sochi Olympic Village. Toilets Don't Flush. The Faucets Spew Discolored Water. They Say It's Like Being On A Royal Caribbean Cruise.

That American Taliban Kid Johnny Walker Was Indicted Today. Ten Counts Of Terrorism. He Could Get 5 Life Sentences. In Taliban Terms, That's 360 Virgins.

I Think There's One More Thing Perry Can Forget, Too: Being President.