People Take The Feeling Of Full For

After A Lifetime Of Silence, It Is Difficult Then To Speak.

In That Six Months, So Much Happened That Death Seemed, Primarily, Inconvenient. The Trial Period Was Extended. I Seem To Keep Extending It. There Are Many Things To Do. There Are Books To Write And Naps To Take. There Are Movies To See And Scrambled Eggs To Eat. Life Is Essentially Trivial. You Either Decide You Will Take The Trite Business Of Life And Give Yourself The Option Of Doing Something Really Cool, Or You Decide You Will Opt For The Grand Epic Of Eating Disorders And Dedicate Your Life To Being Seriously Trivial.

People With Eating Disorders Tend To Be Very Diametrical Thinkers – Everything Is The End Of The World, Everything Rides On This One Thing, And Everyone Tells You You're Very Dramatic, Very Intense, And They See It As An Affectation, But It´s Actually Just How You Think. It Really Seems To You That The Sky Will Fall If You Are Not Personally Holding It Up. On The One Hand, This Is Sheer Arrogance; On The Other Hand, This Is A Very Real Fear. And It Isn't That You Ignore The Potential Repercussions Of Your Actions. You Don't Think There Are Any. Because You Are Not Even There.

I Either Want To Be Completely Recovered Or Completely Emaciated. It's The In Between That I Can't Stand, The Limbo Of Failure Where You Know That You Haven't Done Your Best At One Or The Other: Dying Or Living.

• Eating Disorders Are Addictions. You Become Addicted To A Number Of Their Effects. The Two Most Basic And Important: The Pure Adrenaline That Kicks In When You're Starving—you're High As A Kite, Sleepless, Full Of A Frenetic, Unstable Energy—and The Heightened Intensity Of Experience That Eating Disorders Initially Induce. At First, Everything Tastes And Smells Intense, Tactile Experience Is Intense, Your Own Drive And Energy Themselves Are Intense And Focused. Your Sense Of Power Is Very, Very Intense. You Are Not Aware, However, That You Are Quickly Becoming Addicted.