Paddy Was In The Delivery Room When

I've Never Done A Comedy Club In My Life. It's Weird Because I Don't Have The Same Background As Most Comics. I Don't Have A History Of Going Up And Only Doing Eight Minutes.

What Always Staggers Me Is That When People Blow Their Noses, They Always Look Into Their Hankies To See What Came Out. What Do They Expect To Find?

The Religion In Scotland Is One Of The Most Patronising Things... After The Weather.

And Then There Was My Mate Who'd Just Been Fitted With A Brand New Hearing Aid. "it's The Best In The World", He Said. "what Type Is It?", I Asked And He Said "ten Past Twelve".

I Decided To Stop Drinking While It Was Still My Idea.