Obama Better Hope A Kicked Ass Is

Democratic Candidate John Kerry On Tuesday Chose Fellow Senator John Edwards To Be His Running Mate. Asked About Edwards' Lack Of Foreign Policy Experience, Kerry Revealed His New Campaign Slogan, 'i Promise Not To Die.'

Trends Don't Mean Anything To Me. If I Like Something, I'll Do It. If I Don't, I Won't Do It, And I Wouldn't Care If Everybody In The Country Mocked Me.

A Good Rule Of Thumb Is If You've Made It To 35 And Your Job Still Requires You Wear A Nametag, You've Probably Made A Serious Vocational Error.

Pat Buchanan Is So Homo-phobic, He Blames Global Warming On The Aids Quilt.

Martha Stewart Denied Allegations That She Had Been Given Inside Information To Sell 4,000 Shares Of A Stock In A Biotech Firm. Stewart Then Showed Her Audience How To Make A Festive, Quick-burning Yule Log Out Of Freshly-shredded Financial Documents.