Number One: Don't Frisk Me. Don't Hurt

President Bush Says He Is Looking Forward To The Testimony Of Condoleezza Rice. Yes, He Is Very Excited About Condoleezza Rice's Testimony Before Congress. Well, It Makes Perfect Sense - He Wants To Know What Was Going On, Too.

The Senator Got So Tired On The Campaign Trail That He Started Kissing Hands And Shaking Babies.

Newt Gingrich Is Against Same-sex Marriage. Well, Actually, He's Against Same-marriage Sex.

In Pop Culture News, Lady Gaga Got Married. And Yes, She Was Wearing White Meat.

Hillary Clinton, Our Junior Senator From New York, Announced That She Has No Intentions Of Ever, Ever Running For Office Of The President Of The United States. Her Husband, Bill Clinton, Is Bitterly Disappointed. He Is Crushed. There Go His Dreams Of Becoming A Two-impeachment Family.