Now You'll Have To Wait For Hours

Some Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are Doomed To Repeat It.' I Say, 'those Who Ignore History Are In For A Big Surprise.'

I Teach Sunday School, Motherf*****.

America Cannot Afford A Rally To Restore Sanity In The Middle Of A Recession. Did You Even Consider How Many Panic-related Jobs That Might Cost Us In The Fear-industrial Complex?

Writing And Producing The Show Is An Intellectual Process. Performing The Show Is Far More Athletic And Intuitive, Because You Don't Get To Do It Twice. It Helps If You've Done Whatever The Old Saw Is, 10,000 Hours Of It. Because I've Done 10,000 Hours Of Comedy, I Have This Database In My Mind Of What Works And What Doesn't Work.

I Used To Make Up Stuff In My Bio All The Time, That I Used To Be A Professional Ice-skater And Stuff Like That. I Found It So Inspirational. Why Not Make Myself Cooler Than I Am?