Now, For My Younger Viewers Out There,

Science Attacks Our Most Cherished Opinions. Opinions Which Come Straight From Our Collective Gut. Oh, Wait, According To Gastroenterologists, The Only Thing That Comes From The Gut Is Waste Left From The Digestion Of Food. That’s Right, “waste.” I Guess That Means That Scientists Literally Think Our Opinions Should Be Flushed Down The Toilet!

Throughout Human History, Countries Rise And Fall. But Not America-we Continue To Rise And Rise, Like Dough, Until Jesus Bakes Us In The Fiery Afterscape Of The Rapture.

Arby's: If I Was About To Be Killed, I Would Eat It.

Obama Avoided The Vietnam Draft With A Letter From His Family Doctor Diagnosing Him As Medically Eight.

It Would Be A Very Short Pint. It Would Be Gummy Bears And Matzah, And Be Called Chewy Jewy.