My Act Is Sort Of Improvisational. I

I Don't Have A Bank Account Because I Don't Know My Mother's Maiden Name.

I Hate It When My Hair Is Engaged In Unauthorized Activities.

My Mom Is One Of Those Really Angry Moms Who Gets Mad At Absolutely Everything. Once When I Was A Little Kid, I Accidentally Knocked A Flintstones Glass Off The Kitchen Table. She Said, 'well, Dammit, We Can't Have Nice Things.'

Speaking Of Happy Successes, After Years Of Struggling To Lose Those Few Extra Pounds Every Mother Puts On During Adoption, Particularly When The Doctor Orders Bed Rest, In 2004 I Sent My Assistant To The Gap In Dark Glasses With A Fake Id To Purchase My First Pair Of Easy Fit Jeans.

I Got My Dog Three Years Ago Because I Was Drunk In A Pet Store. We Had Nine Cats At The Time. The Cats Started Hiding The Alcohol After That.