(mother)" She Used To Tell Me To

I Try To Be True To The Characters That I've Created And Sometimes I Disagree With Them, But Their Opinions About The Story And The Characters Really Matter To Me.

My Head Spins As I Glance Away, Refusing To Get Sucked Back Into His Gaze When So Much Is At Risk.

I Have One Final Hope, If I Get Double Sixes, Maybe He Will Change His Mind, Come Back To Me. As If To Cast A Magic Spell, I Blow On The Dice Just As Dex Did...just As It Happened With Our First Roll, One Die Lands Before Its Mate. On A Six! I Hold My Breath. For A Brief Second, I See A Mess Of Dots, And Think I Have Boxcars Again. I Kneel, Staring At The Second Die. It Is Onle A Five. I Have Rolled An Eleven, It Is As If Someone Is Mocking Me, Saying, Close, But No Dice.

I Think I Hoped For Something More. Maybe I Even Hoped That I Could Find In Richard What I Had With Ben. But It Is Suddenly Very Clear: Richard Is Not Fallin In Love With Me And I'm Not Falling In Love With Richard. We Are Not Creating Anything Permanent Or Special. We Are Only Having Fun Together. It Is A Fling- A Fling Just Like He Said Last Night- A Fling With An Ending Yet To Be Determined. I Feel Relieved To Have It Defined

The Feeling I Have Reminds Me Of New Year’s Eve, When The Countdown Is Coming And I’m Not Quite Sure Whether To Grab My Camera Or Just Live In The Moment. Usually I Grab The Camera And Later Regret It When The Picture Doesn’t Turn Out. Then I Feel Enormously Let Down And Think To Myself That The Night Would Have Been More Fun If It Didn’t Mean Quite So Much, If I Weren’t Forced To Analyze Where I’ve Been And Where I’m Going.