Life Is A Constant Struggle Between Being

And Then She Asks Me How Many Sexual Partners I've Had And I Say One Or Two Depending On Your Definition Of What I Did To Custer . . .

Last September 16th, I Was Walking In Downtown Seattle When This Pick-up Truck Pulls Up In Front Of Me. Guy Leans Out The Window And Yells, "go Back To Your Own Country," And I Was Laughing So Hard Because It Wasn't So Much A Hate Crime As A Crime Of Irony.

Gordie, The White Boy Genius, Gave Me This Book By A Russian Dude Named Tolstoy, Who Wrote, 'happy Families Are All Alike; Every Unhappy Family Is Unhappy In Its Own Way.' Well, I Hate To Argue With A Russian Genius, But Tolstoy Didn't Know Indians, And He Didn't Know That All Indian Families Are Unhappy For The Same Exact Reasons: The Frikkin' Booze.

My Father Was Sleepless Most Of His Life. So By The Age Of Five, I Was Awake With Him All Night Long, Watching Bad Television Or We'd Lie In The Same Bed, And I'd Read My Comic Books While He Read His Latest Spy Or Mystery Novel.

I'll Quit Eating Meat When You Get A Cow Out Here To Beat Me At A Poetry Slam. Only So Many Words Rhyme With 'mooo.' I Mean, Yes, We're Supposed To Be Better Stewards; Yes, We're Supposed To Take Care Of The Earth; Yes, We're Supposed To Honor The Sacrifices Made By The Animals; Yes Yes Yes Yes Yes, But Dammit, We're In Charge, And You Know Why? It's Because Of These [holding Out Thumbs]...maybe You Think That Carrots Are Less Important Than Cows. I Think They're Equal, Especially In A Sauce.